Watching bad television guilt-free

By Dan Ehl
DAILY IOWEGIAN (AND AD EXPRESS) (CENTERVILLE, Iowa)

CENTERVILLE, Iowa Tue, May 13 2008

— Sitting at a desk all day and then going home to drink beer and watch movies about giant mutant wasps, rodents, crocodiles and even rhinoceros beetles is not a healthy lifestyle. Not that I know anyone who does that.
No, when I go home, I drink beer and watch movies about giant mutant wasps, rodents, crocodiles and even rhinoceros beetles - while walking on my treadmill. I can now watch these movies guilt-free knowing that I am exercising. So what if I’m not watching the more educational channels or reading serious books - I am exercising. That magic word lets me watch all the junk I want because I am doing a heart-healthy thing.
And it isn’t that all those supposed educational channels are really that intellectual. I just got satellite TV for the first time and had thought the History Channel and Discovery Channel were educational. But I guess they must also have to worry about ratings. Why else would I find listings like these:
Man vs. Wild
Desert Survivor
In the hottest place on earth, Bear Grylls shows you how to get out alive as he tackles his biggest challenge yet - skinning and disemboweling a dead camel for water, food and shelter for a night under the stars.
Dirty Jobs
Poo Pot Maker
Just when Mike thought he had seen it all, he is hired at a cow farm that specializes in making gardening pots out of cow manure. Mike counts dead salmon carcasses and opens up the mail bag and answers a viewer's question and gets bitten by a snake.
MonsterQuest
American Werewolf
American Werewolf - Eyewitnesses in Wisconsin and Michigan report seeing a tall hairy man-beast some describe as a dogman...a centuries old legend based on myth, not a real animal. But what are they seeing? MonsterQuest will deploy professional hunters and trackers in an area with recent sightings, armed with a tranquilizer gun. And for the first time eyewitness accounts will be put to the test, using polygraphs and hypnosis and the results will astonish.
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Of course you know they never find any of these mythical creatures because you would have already seen it on CNN.
Maybe the Discovery Channel needs to hire some of those unemployed Weekly World News reporters now that the newspaper has folded. After all, they did scoop some of journalism’s greatest stories - like the discovery of Bat Boy. They also had such headline grabbers as "Crazed Dieter Mistakes Dwarf for Chicken,” Half-Man/Half-Fish Terrorizing Florida Swamp,” "Man Bothered by Alien Telemarketers," “Aliens Capture Top-Secret NASA Moon Base” and “Princess Anne's Dog Plotted Diana's Death.”
I watched one show of “Man vs. Wild” and found myself shouting at the TV, “Come on, how dangerous can it be when you’re traveling with an entire camera crew? You’ll never go hungry. I know they wouldn’t go anywhere without beer and chips.”
It also makes me wonder why am I sitting behind a desk all day and shouting at a TV at night when I could be interviewing people who’ve seen dog boys, ape men, giant catfish, UFOs, ghosts and swamp beasts. Now that’s journalism.
I guess they need those sensational shows to offset the more dry topics like “Modern Marvels: Canning” or “Modern Marvels: Batteries.” Though they do spice it up with the “History of Sex.”
• Ancient Civilization--Egyptian contraceptives, Roman orgies and more.
• The Eastern World--The Kama Sutra, behind the Great Wall and those sultry Arabian nights.
• The Middle Ages--Sex and the church, bawdy knights and chasing chaste maidens.
• From Don Juan to Queen Victoria--Passionate Pilgrims, Casanova, the Marquis De Sade and sexual extremes.
• The 20th Century--Burning bras, Masters & Johnson, Viagra and beyond.
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Then there is always “Myth Busters.” This is science at its finest - “Find out if one poppy seed bagel can tilt the results of a drug test and whether balloons can carry a lawn chair. Is a body covered in gold paint able to breathe, or is this a glamorous way to die? Find out if a person can get stuck to an airline toilet while it's in flight, and whether or not there is such a thing as a biscuit bazooka.”
Now you see why I turn to the SciFi channel where I can watch such great movies as “Mammoth - We hunted it into extinction... Now it's hunting us.” I love that movie.
One thing all the characters have in common in these movies, whether they are battling giant ants or genetically-altered baboons - is that they are hard of hearing - and they trip a lot. How else do you explain how a couple-ton Tyransaurous can sneak up from behind? Then when the doomed characters spin around to face the blood-crazed creature, they freeze with mouth open for five minutes before frantically back-pedaling, only to fall on their butt and get eaten. Or else they run 10 feet, trip and then get eaten.
But it can be just as dangerous watching these movies as it is for the characters when using a treadmill. Pause just a second to reach out for a beer and it’s off the back you go. I just thought I’d warn you.

Dan Ehl writes for The Daily Iowegian in Centerville, Iowa.

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Dan Ehl